The Welcome back is more for myself than for anyone else.
As most of you might have noticed that over the past few months I haven’t been as active in the community nor on social media. There are a few reasons for this and I want to share them with you. I believe in transparency and openness, this is something that has always been a part of my being and whenever I find myself slipping away from this I am always drawn back to the truth. Reality is reality if we ignore it that doesn’t make it go away it just gives us a harder slap in the face when we accept it. But enough of my soapbox quotes let’s get on with the show. First I have a disclaimer.
Let’s start from the beginning. This year has opened so many opportunities for me that I never imagined yet this has been the hardest year that I have ever experienced. At the beginning of the new year I started my business as a petite model coach. Opportunities began flowing in and I was so estactic for every single one. But I quickly realized that it isn’t about the moments when the lights are on, the real work happens when you are alone and the lights are off. My self doubt went into full time. Yet I keep pushing. Self-Doubt Overload.
May 16, 2016: I am notified that my job is ending, June 30th will be my last day of employment. Laid-off. This was a job that I truly enjoyed. It was the first job that gave me an opportunity to get back into the working field out side of police work. This is my first time being without a job since college and my first time being laid-off. At first I see this as a sigh of relief, I will finally have time to focus fully on my business, yeah. This sounded good until something deeper started to sink into my mind. I found myself at the Texas Workforce Commission office applying for unemployment. Even with the full support of my partner who comforted me with the fact that I dint have to go back to work, she would support the household while I focused fully on my business. With love in my heart I found myself struggling with letting go and being dependent on her. Jobless.
July 7, 2016: I get a phone call, there has been a shooting in Dallas and several Police Officers have been shot. I start phoning and texting my friends who are still wearing the uniform. With sweating palms and racing heartbeat waiting for my phone to vibrate and see the reply from them so I know that they are safe. Then they tell me that we lost one. My heart stops. I ask who did we lose….Brent Thompson. My eyes fill with tears and there is a heavy weight the center of my chest. I just lost a good friend I blessed to have the opportunity to attend the memorial service and pay my last respects to my fellow brother in blue. This was a very hard day. The feelings of wanting to get back into uniform came over me, then anger and disbelief. To be honest, I haven’t fully let go of this. Loss of friend.
August 20, 2016: Thinking that I am in full control of everything. Then that one thing happens and the overwhelm starts flowing out via my attitude and affecting my personality. I get into an irrational misunderstanding with my sister. Which leads to guilt, pride and judgment. Emotional mess.
September 8, 2016: I hit the brick wall. It was a hard hit. A night full of tears, rage and uncontrollable emotions. After talking to the Psychiatrist I am told that I am suffering from depression. I admit myself into group therapy. Going to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription for anxiety and depression. Wake-Up call.
October 3, 2016: First day of Intensive Yoga Teacher Training. From October 3 – October 21, 2016, 200 hours of training from 7 am – 7 pm, Monday through Friday. Yoga has been the only thing that I was consistently motivated to do throughout my personal struggles. Most of my savannas ended with me crying on my mat. This grew my deep love for yoga. I fully submitted myself to a journey into who I was to find what I wasn’t. Yoga saved my life. Inner Light.
So we are now in the current day. My days are brighter and my heart is so much lighter. I have a lot of apologies to issue out. Dealing with depression doesn’t just affect you behind closed doors. It reaches out of the dark and touches everything in your life, relationship, family, friends, business, goals, possible opportunities and connections. I have emails that are unanswered and appointments that I did not keep. I hit the lowest part of life that I have experienced so far. I am not looking for sympathy just a level of empathy with those I let down. In my disclaimer I wanted to be clear on my current emotional status, I am not sick, I am not a victim and I do not need saving. I say all of this because these are the facts that others can make you feel when dealing with depression.
Yoga has helped me realize and overcome so many levels of egotistic thoughts. It also gave me a chance to accept the clear vision that I have for my life and goals. I am going to be taking a more forward approach on a more positive mind & body experience for women. By cultivating confidence and igniting inspiration within themselves. And it starts with this blog post.
P.S. I kept my depression a secret from my family & friends. My girlfriend, Larisa has been my knight in shining armor through it all. You all are the second ones that I am sharing this with. I embrace each and every one of you.
With Love & Acceptance,